It’s No Lie: History Can Be Fun!

Now I know that sounds like something your 4th Grade teacher said to you when she introduced some poorly conceived game about history, but I am no 4th Grade teacher nor do I have a game for you. It is, in fact, a book. A book, say you! Yippee, hurray! Yes, boys and girls, a book. A trilogy, in fact. I must say that this is the best line of history books I have ever read.

The books I speak of are the following: A Treasury of Deception, A Treasury of Royal Scandals, and A Treasury of Great American Scandals which are all written by the amusing, and historically precise, Michael Farquhar. The titles above are actually just the main title to each book; the subtitles to each are what grabbed my initial attention (subtitles listed respectively): Liars, Misleaders, Hoodwinkers, and the Extraordinary True Stories of History's Greatest Hoaxes, Fakes, and Frauds; The Shocking True Stories of History's Wickedest, Weirdest, Most Wanton Kings, Queens, Tsars, Popes, and Emperors; Tantalizing True Tales of Historic Misbehavior by the Founding Fathers and Others Who Let Freedom Swing. If you can, in all earnestness, tell me those subtitles do not stir even the slightest, most minute bit of interest and intrigue then you, my friend, suck.

Granted, I was a history minor. My minor was in Pre-Modern History or, more simply, classical history. The reason for this focus was that Greece, Rome, the Persian Empire, etc. all had one obvious trait in common: they loved them some war. Ancient historians were never afraid to go into too much detail on how a soldier or general met his death; it was the ancient way of ensuring that one would be remembered forever. I would not personally want to be remembered by an axe through the center of my head, but those ancients were crazy mo-fo’s. And yes, this paragraph has a point.

I studied ancient history, and thus ancient war, because of the action. For me, it is very hard to make learning about massive battles and gruesome deaths a boring experience. And thus, this is what Farquhar does for his books: pulling the most interesting pieces of history, scandals among history’s most prominent leaders, and making a book out of it. Don’t get me wrong, there are a handful of ancient historians who can bore you to the point where a spear to the groin sounds relieving. Therefore, Farquhar cannot rely on his content alone to create a strong book, and he doesn’t. His writing is masterful, in that he speaks to the reader as a storyteller rather than a historian.

In having been a history minor, I have had my fair share of droning, dull history professors who don’t realize that speaking like a textbook is worse than reading a textbook. Imagine a professor, though, who tells you that Queen Elizabeth I, the “Virgin Queen”, was actually not a virgin at all and was actually as randy as an unappreciated housewife. Imagine the professor pacing quickly from one side of the room to the other, telling story after story about these historical figures and their shortcomings. I’d sign up for that class. And thus, I have all three books. I am currently finishing up Royal Scandals to soon move on to Great American Scandals and, even though I hate American history, I know I am going to love this book.

Amazon.com Links:
A Treasury of Deception: Liars, Misleaders, Hoodwinkers, and the Extraordinary True Stories of History's Greatest Hoaxes, Fakes and Frauds

A Treasury of Royal Scandals: The Shocking True Stories History's Wickedest, Weirdest, Most Wanton Kings, Queens, Tsars, Popes, and Emperors

A Treasury of Great American Scandals: Tantalizing True Tales of Historic Misbehavior by the Founding Fathers and Others Who Let Freedom Swing

‘Tis the Season to Celebrate Obesity!

In spirit of the season, I decided I would post a poem that I wrote a few years ago in celebration of our favorite bearded fat guy. I will not precede this with any witty comments or deep thoughts for I think the poem speaks for itself.

Fat Red Tightass

It’s been 13 years since I wrote
to your red suited fat ass. I want
something bad enough to try
anything, so open your ears,
get out a pen, and check it twice. I want
a golden dog, Scipio, to bring
me the riches of panting and drool.
He’ll roam the fields of Colorado
as an emperor. I want Colorado,
all mine, where my mistress and I
can do it anywhere. A mistress
who lasts 3 months and burns
to reveal a brunette or redhead,
well kept, loyal, phoenix.
I want to cheat and lie
next to thousands of women
who hate the dulling effect of latex
but love the growing ability of silicone.
I want revenge for my 3 month
expiration date, S.E.X. approved,
leaving me 40, single, 5 o’clock shadow,
alcoholic, stumbling on a keyboard to find
those few extra published bucks. I want
an addiction instead of desire. Cliché
geriatrics walking through the park
in jewelry commercials, seventy years
deep. I want to start over, erase my past
rambling and write a new list. I want
a puppy and we’ll take it from there.

(The above is the sole property of Jonathan Mahoney and cannot be distributed, copied, or sold for any reason or through any means without direct prior consent of Jonathan Mahoney. To do so without consent is considered plagiarism, and is illegal)

Now That I Represent the American People, I Want a Vacation

Are "we the people" really that exhausting to represent? In today’s news, it was announced that Congress, now controlled by a democratic majority, will be following a 5-day work week in the upcoming year. For those not in the know, Congress has, in past years, been required to work from late Tuesday to Thursday afternoon. Add to that extended holidays, the August recess, and week-long recesses in 4 more months in the year.

The election process is, no doubt, long and arduous. You must win the support of the majority population in your state, bringing great ideas to the table and promising to act rather than dream. Politicians are the Long Island Iced Tea of professions: an awkward, yet delicious, blend of traits that get the job done. They must be dreamers, action takers, socialites, recluses, risk takers, grounded individuals, stubborn, and open to opinions. It must be exhausting. But this is the life that these individuals chose to live.

As the article linked above mentions, a good deal of these representatives are up in arms about the extended work week. They have families to hold together; a life to live outside of work. Imagine flying from California, or Alaska for that matter, on a Sunday just to get to work by Monday afternoon. I wouldn’t do it. Count me out. But, ah-ha-yes, that is one reason why I am not a politician.

This may be a cold opinion, but there are certain professions out there that require an understanding that family life is going to be difficult. CEO’s and executives of large businesses, the uncorrupt ones, spend their lives at work. A good deal of them do not have the flexibility to decide their hours. When you are a publicly traded company, you do what you must to keep revenues high and costs low. As a lawyer, you do not decide how much time you will allot to a case. The case, ultimately, decides that for you. As a politician, a house representative in this case, you do not decide how much time you will spend keeping the U.S. running smoothly. The country, and its people, make the decision for you.

I give a hearty golf clap to Rep. Steny H. Hoyer, who, as the new House majority leader, made the decision to extend the schedule. Amid pressure from colleagues, our good friend Steny is taking aim at the country and its people. As the article states, the 109th Congress, come Friday, will have worked 3 days less then the 1948 “Do-nothing Congress”. For a country with its hands in almost every pot/country, and in the midst of a war reminiscent of the failure of Vietnam, that is unacceptable.


While our soldiers are forced into long stints away from their families that can last 6 months to a year or longer, often spending Christmas with sand making their Beige Christmas, Congress is complaining about a 5-day work week. Where is the justice in that? Where is the rationale? It seems some of our country’s leaders are getting so absorbed in the title and respect they receive upon election and reelection, that they have forgotten the reason they were placed into office in the first place.

I grew up with a businessman as a father. I have lived in 5 states because of his profession. Through a good portion of my childhood, work often took the front seat to getting home early or full weekends without work. I do not blame my father, and I actually see my having lived so many places as a strength and large contributor to making me who I am. There is no blame to be had, for he did nothing wrong. My father made a career decision, and took full responsibility for his decisions. Congress needs to take responsibility for the job they have been given.

Members of Congress, the American people know you have families and that your profession is one of the more difficult in this country. We demand a great deal from you, yes. But this is the way the country was founded. Keeping a country together takes time and effort, and, for the most part, your personal life must take a backseat to the demands of the country. This is not the life you have been given, but rather the life you have chosen.

The Roman Republic fell time and time again because its senators became too accustomed to a cushy lifestyle. Self-proclaimed emperors took control over the Roman Republic by winning over the senate approval. And how did they do that, you ask? By promising, in return for the throne, a continuation of their status and standard of living. Who could pass up the extravagant life of a senator without having to deal with all that governmental pish-posh? If, stepping back in time, Emperor Bush stood in front of Congress and promised them such a deal, how many would raise their gilded fingers and say “Nay” with conviction?

I am being farfetched, yes, for our country is not in the state the republics were before their fall. My point lies in the fact that our congressmen are looking to shed some responsibility while clinging lovingly to the benefits allotted. Congress should be accomplishing as much, if not more, as the executive branch. With the upcoming schedule change, we can hopefully be assured that more will be accomplished in the coming years, and that the 110th Congress will come to be known as the “Do-something-after-nothing Congress”.