‘Tis the Season to Celebrate Obesity!

In spirit of the season, I decided I would post a poem that I wrote a few years ago in celebration of our favorite bearded fat guy. I will not precede this with any witty comments or deep thoughts for I think the poem speaks for itself.

Fat Red Tightass

It’s been 13 years since I wrote
to your red suited fat ass. I want
something bad enough to try
anything, so open your ears,
get out a pen, and check it twice. I want
a golden dog, Scipio, to bring
me the riches of panting and drool.
He’ll roam the fields of Colorado
as an emperor. I want Colorado,
all mine, where my mistress and I
can do it anywhere. A mistress
who lasts 3 months and burns
to reveal a brunette or redhead,
well kept, loyal, phoenix.
I want to cheat and lie
next to thousands of women
who hate the dulling effect of latex
but love the growing ability of silicone.
I want revenge for my 3 month
expiration date, S.E.X. approved,
leaving me 40, single, 5 o’clock shadow,
alcoholic, stumbling on a keyboard to find
those few extra published bucks. I want
an addiction instead of desire. Cliché
geriatrics walking through the park
in jewelry commercials, seventy years
deep. I want to start over, erase my past
rambling and write a new list. I want
a puppy and we’ll take it from there.

(The above is the sole property of Jonathan Mahoney and cannot be distributed, copied, or sold for any reason or through any means without direct prior consent of Jonathan Mahoney. To do so without consent is considered plagiarism, and is illegal)